Welcome to JebWorld, USA: land of concrete, swamp, and palm trees! For maximum enjoyment of your fall vacation, we suggest the following:
Fly the Continental Geriatric Flight #1446 in from Cleveland, OH. Your life vests are located under your seat, and expired last month. (No matter–if the plane crashes on an island in the middle of the swamp, the elderly demographic will make for a poor network drama.) For your in-flight entertainment, Continental has provided SkyMall catalogs containing page upon page of worthless junk (our favorites: an inflatable hot tub, and a dress shirt with chunks of fabric cut from the collar to “show off that expensive tie”) and the latest Box Office Flop.
At the Palm Beach airport, you’ll be greeted with parque floors and a fleet of wheelchairs. Why not stop at the gift shop and buy a set of golf clubs? Take it all out to the shuttle on a baggage cart tagged YANKEE EXPRESS with permanent marker.
At a busy railroad intersection, Burt Reynolds might give your Grandma the bird. (Burt Reynolds drives a white Cadillac and smokes a cigar while driving.)
For accomodations, stay at a Retirement Community nicer than any hotel you’ve ever been in. Take a stroll on the grounds and follow the alligators from pond to pond: you might see a small dog get eaten. On your way back to the room, admire the ceramic pet replicas that guard the hallways.
For dinner, you can’t beat the Cuban food. It’s paradise on a plate. Try the fried grouper, black beans and rice, and sweet plantains:
If you’re headed to bed and your room’s by the dance hall, you might want some earplugs: those square dancing classes can get pretty rowdy.